i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
