you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
