he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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