just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
