My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
