I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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