i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
