i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
