Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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