chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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