So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
