I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
