I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
