It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
