I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
All I want is dick and wine.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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