I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
