what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
