Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize