I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
