Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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