Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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