I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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