allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
