One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
