I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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