you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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