On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
