i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
