sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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