My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
