was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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