Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
This house was built for laser tag.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
