Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
