i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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