I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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