There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
