The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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