Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
