My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
