So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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