At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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