Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
