FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
