it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
