Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
