You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I can text with my tongue
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
