a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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