we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
