I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
