I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
